The Emotional Roller Coaster of Infertility

Infertility is often described as an “emotional roller coaster.” People experiencing infertility sometimes feel as though their mood goes up and down each menstrual cycle as another opportunity to have a baby comes and goes.

Why am I having such a hard time dealing with this?

• Some of the reasons infertility can be so hard on individuals and couples are:
• People often have a strong desire to have a baby.
• Social and family pressure to have a baby exist.
• Self-identity and a sense of masculinity/femininity are often associated with fertility.
• A couple may feel that they have lost control of their lives.
• A pattern of rising expectations during potential fertile times or treatments followed by disappointment when the woman starts her period takes its toll over time.

Is infertility caused by the stress involved in trying to have a baby?

• 90% of all infertility has an identifiable physical cause. Although stress can contribute to some of the physical problems associated with infertility, stress is usually the result of infertility, not the sole cause.

Does adopting a baby help people to get pregnant because they stop trying so hard?

• No. A large study found that 5% of infertile couples who had stopped medical treatment became pregnant whether they adopted or not.

Common feelings when dealing with infertility

The emotions individuals and couples may go through while dealing with infertility are similar to feelings experienced when a loved one dies. This similarity exists because a couple's dream of having a baby has “died” with the inability to become pregnant. Furthermore, in some cases a baby has died as a result of miscarriage. Some emotions commonly experienced by couples include:

• Surprise - that they are having difficulty becoming pregnant
• Denial - that this could really be happening
• Isolation - feeling like they are the only ones having this problem and that nobody understands
• Anger - sometimes directed at doctors, spouses, or God
• Guilt - feeling that their medical problem is denying them and their spouse a child or that they are being punished for something in their past
• Depression - sadness, lost hope, inability to enjoy anything
• Anxiety - worrying each cycle about whether they are pregnant, future medical procedures, finances, etc.
• Grief - the loss of their hoped-for child (may happen each cycle)
• Acceptance - experiencing some emotional relief, making the decision to pursue further medical evaluations and therapy, to adopt, or to remain childless

Living with infertility

Each person deals with life events, including infertility, in unique ways. Many individuals with fertility problems are accustomed to reaching their goals through effort, sacrifice, and endurance. This pattern can contribute to the frustration of infertility if all their efforts to have a baby are unsuccessful.

People can have difficulty maintaining realistic expectations that are based on medical information rather than on their hopes. Sexual intercourse, conception, and having a baby can become a “goal-driven” project rather than a “love-driven” sharing experience. This leads to emotional pain, resentment, and strained marital relationships.

Men and women tend to deal with infertility in different ways. Women often need the emotional support of spouse, family and friends more than men do. This support is difficult to find because not everyone understands what they are going through. It is common for a woman to get frustrated with her spouse and to assume having a baby is less important to him because he does not want to talk about it.

A man, in turn, may get frustrated because there is nothing more he can do to help his wife feel better. Men tend to like to solve problems through action. Talking about something that they have been unable to “fix” is frustrating.

It is important for each person to understand their partner's coping style and to do what is necessary to meet their own needs while considering those of their spouse.

Things that help people adjust

There are several things people can do that often help those dealing with infertility feel better.

• Communicate. Spouses need to discuss thoughts and feelings. It is usually best to limit these discussions to 30-40 minutes so infertility does not monopolize all their time, energy, and lives. Talking with other people who can provide support is important especially for women.
• Understand and allow for personal differences in coping and viewpoints.
• Become informed about infertility by reading and talking with your physician and with other infertile couples. Keep in mind that people's situations, values, and beliefs may differ and lead to different decisions about treatment.
• Decide as a couple how to deal with questions and comments from family and friends.
• Take an “infertility holiday.” It often helps couples emotionally to take a break from trying everything to become pregnant for a month or longer. Discuss this with your physician.
• Find ways to keep the love and fun in the marriage. Do not allow infertility to become the center of your life.
• Examine the costs versus the benefits of continuing attempts to have a baby. This includes exploring the emotional, financial, spiritual, and physical aspects of life which are affected by infertility.
• Consider and discuss options other than having biological children, such as adoption.
• Rely on spiritual faith especially when nothing is making sense and hope is fading.

Seek counseling if you:

• Are confused about feelings of what to do
• Feel like emotions and life are out of control
• Sense that marital problems are getting worse
• Need to know if what you feel is normal
• Could use some help in learning to cope
• Need to talk to someone who is not closely involved
• Have problems dealing with daily life (work, etc.)
• Think about suicide or running away

If you need counseling your FertilityCare Practitioner can help you locate a counselor or psychologist.

Medical Evaluation

Infertility is a medical condition and deserves a thorough and competent medical evaluation. We recommend the approach described in the brochure: “Infertility: An Approach Using Natural Procreative Technology.”

For further information about the medical aspects of infertility talk to your FertilityCare Practitioner or FertilityCare Medical Consultant.

This information is available as a printed health brochure. Click here for ordering information.